My body, my business: Learning how to accept my body's current capabilities
Have you ever walked into a gym or a workout class and felt out of place? Do you worry that people are watching you, judging your form, your body, or your choice of exercises? In all honesty, I, especially lately, have been feeling this myself. As a trainer and someone who has played competitive sports my entire life I expect a lot from myself. I guess I assume from the outside looking in, people also expect a lot from me. For the past two years workouts have been modified and shifted as I recover from my injury, only amplifying the feeling.
Over the past month I have been working on running progressions - something I haven’t done in two years. Slow and steady is the name of the game but I feel embarrassed being on the treadmill, running what feels slow to me, to then follow it up with an extended walking interval. I have joked that I want to put a sign up to say I am in recovery because I hate for people to see me, even ones I don’t know, not at my best.
I have not attended and supported many other fitness classes or trainers because I don’t have the same confidence I used to when showing up for a workout. I know I will do my best with what I have that day, but it isn’t where I used to be. I would rather hide in my condo gym alone then have to modify and ease off during a workout class.
As much as I am struggling with this lately, I have made some strides! I went to Barry’s Bootcamp on Sunday morning and I don’t if it was because it was a dark room where everyone is focused on themselves or just having a friend to take class with, but I felt like I was almost myself again.
The few things I have been keeping in the back of my head are:
Stop looking back! This is tough. Every time I do something I am quick to reminisce on how much I used to lift, how fast I could run, or how much easier a particular exercise was. I am never going to look or be the same I was two years ago prior to my injury so I need to focus on the now and making myself feel my best.
No one is ACTUALLY watching you. Besides the trainer leading the class, people are more worried about what they are doing and chances are they don’t have the time or energy to notice you modifying exercises. I remind my clients of this but again, it is not always easy for me to implement.
My body, my business. I have used this statement various times throughout my posts but it rings true in a slightly different way this time. I know what feels good for my body right now and I trust that you know what is right for yours. I try to strength train twice a week, take a Pilates or barre class once, and work on my running progressions twice. Eventually I hope this changes but it works for me now. This is what my body needs and is helping me recover so I am just going with it.
I guess I have a lot to work on physically, but also mentally to get me to where I want to be. However, it is time I start to appreciate what I can do, not look to the past or future to where I used to be or want to go. My body may never be how it is in this exact moment again so it is time I take care of my body where it is at right now.
Yours in self-discovery,